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Discipline and Defiance

I have played with this discipline experience...

First discipline meant something that happens to you as a child when you do something that another person of authority says is wrong.

Then, as often happens, we internalize this in order to not feel like a victim. To feel in control. If anyone is going to discipline me, its going to be myself. And so, I proceeded to create rules and habits that I 'had to' follow. A begrudging habit, self imposed, as a way to 'be ok'.

Then, after a series of life changing events and revelations, I let go of every possible thing I could that had this begrudging vibe to it, to see what that felt like. Because my attempt to cheat the system and stay in control by using discipline had clearly failed. Giving permission to myself to let go was empowering, and healing happened. During this time, if the topic came up, I literally could not recall from the depths of my gray matter the word 'discipline'. I apparently needed a discipline lobotomy. I call this my deep Yin phase. I read the story of Innana. I related.

And then one day, a few years later, I started craving it. Dreaming of a routine that actually felt good and nourishing. Wanting new structure and foundation, made of the things of my choosing, from which I could take action that felt in alignment with my true self. Not motivated by my conditioning or external expectations. I let myself crave it, and just stayed curious. And eventually began implementing habits and routine that felt supportive and enlivening. I managed to rewrite my relationship with discipline!

This story sounds linear, but it was not. Not much is. This was one story thread in a tapestry of many other story threads during that span of time. I almost see it as one defiant and dramatic part of me deciding to do this radical experiment with discipline - 'I will not take a single action until I know with certainty that it harkens from my truest self!!' While the rest of me carries on in the world, still using discipline at times as an effort to control, to be ok, to be loved. But when that brave part came back from its journey, we welcomed it back, carefully unpacking their basket of all the gems and gifts, really taking it in. Reintegrated. Feeling like a much more whole human being.

Consider that there are little fractals of yourself, branching off on their own brave journeys. Gathering wisdom and magic from other realms, while you just carry on with what we call life on Earth. Maybe you have awareness of their travels, or maybe you just experience the 'aha!' of when they return with the exact thing you had been asking for. Either way, it can be such a relief to know that work is being done on your behalf at all times. By 'you'. In another timeline. And that is a story of discipline that turned into a story of multidimensional existence. Good morning friends! 😂❤️


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